Monday, January 11, 2010

Harem, Scare 'Em



OMG I can only pray and hope that the fashion gods do not smite me for saying this.  Why hast Thou forsaketh mine eyes with these atrocious garments known as The Harem Pants?

My first altercation with these so-called pants was in 2008.  I was dressing a competitive dance show for the UK and the “dance-off” genre was Hip Hop.  A couple of the girls demanded that they be allowed to wear these things because “they felt invincible in these pants”…hmm if by invincible they meant just like MC Hammer, they should reconsider because we all know that his career as a performer was not so invincible.  Needless to say, the girls got their way and a year later, the trend made itself known in the states.

Let me just say this:  I think these pants look better on men.  Its more flattering.  The saggy crotch can create the illusion of a bigger package, AND create the illusion of wearing a skirt (ala Marc Jacobs yum!) without actually wearing one.  Gentlemen, I advise you to go all out if you want to wear these pants.  Don’t limit yourself to black or charcoal.  Get those bright metallic colors and bring the whole era back!

On the female body however, the harem pants accentuate the wrong parts of the body.  We’re given “mom butt”, a shapeless, flat, square rear end and our thighs look as if they belong to the body of a Biggest Loser contestant.  Don’t even get me started on the crotch.  Three words: saggy & stretched out.  ‘Nuff said.

I do own a pair.  I won’t lie.  They feel great against my skin.  Don’t skimp on quality.  Anything below $60 will pill and cling and all the other horrible things cheap jersey cotton will do.  I will never wear these in public or wear them to get a date, not even to fulfill some sexy harem fantasy.  Private pants for private occasions when I feel like rocking out to old hits from MC Hammer.


4 comments:

  1. Dude I totally had a pair of those pants! I think Joanna finally made me get rid of them.

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  2. shoulda kept 'em. they're so hip right now!

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  3. but, they make women look like they have saggy crotches. how do dancers feel invincible in them if they have extra crotch baggage?

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  4. meh...i'll never understand "blondes"...

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