Thursday, December 2, 2010


Ladies and gentlemen--especially gentlemen:
You stink. Like seriously, you really stink. You're probably in denial b/c you're used to how you smell, and your significant other is either used to it , or just too nice/scared to tell you. I've dressed a lot of people who are considered famous. Most of them smelled pretty nice but there's a select few who would really reek in certain areas of their garments. It never failed: the stench of pure rotten onions, old cabbage soup and/or a polluted ocean permeated the dressing room and singed my nose hairs. Some people can't help it. There's an allergy to lanolin, aluminum, fragrance, basically anything that would help with one's body odor.
I'm here to help.
You don't have to do all of the things listed below, but a combination of 1 or 2 could really change your life...who knows you may see yourself getting laid for once/more often. <--ZING!

1.) This one is the absolute must. Make sure your garments are machine washable. Buy yourself a large jug of white vinegar. The most I've ever paid is $3.00. Soak the garments in the vinegar for 1-2 hours. Do not worry about damaging the material. White vinegar actually sets dye which prevents fading. Its one of those weird phenomenons where its strong enough to kill bad odors and remove stains, but too weak to damage clothing. Oh yeah, that's right. White vinegar also removes stains! Anyways, once you're done soaking, toss your garments in the wash like normal. If its really bad, you may have to do this a couple times.

2.) Watch what you eat and drink. Ever smell a drunk person? Their pores are sweating all that goodness onto their clothes. It doesn't smell sexy at all. Same goes with fried foods and certain vegetables. Certain fabrics aren't so easy to treat, and once they absorb an odor, its going to get pretty expensive to get that odor out. Hello drycleaning bill...

3.) Be tidy. When you come home, don't put your clothes in a pile on the floor, especially if you plan on wearing them again before adding them into the laundry load. Hang them up so the garments can air out. Spray some Downey Wrinkle Release or Febreeze, so you'll at least wear the illusion of cleanliness. If you're allergic, here's an old trick we did for the ballet: VODKA. Buy yourself a cheap well vodka and put a few shots in a spray bottle. Lightly spritz the garment and it will neutralize any odors. This also works well on shoes.

4.) If you're one who perspires on the heavy side, I suggest you wear dress shields or panty liners in your shirts, dresses, and jackets. Insert them under your pits. Its a very discreet and inexpensive way to keep your nice clothes from getting damaged. If you sweat in other places, rub generous amounts of baby powder on the area. This also prevents chaffing.
*Sweating is very good for you by the way. It's your body's way of flushing out toxins. Unfortunately, it's just bad for your clothes.

5.) This one doesn't really have anything to do with smells...just a nifty laundry tip. Wash your clothes in COLD water. Studies show that the water temperature has no effect on the amount of bacteria that's washed away in the spin cycle. This is a great way to reduce your carbon footprint AND you won't risk damaging and shrinking your clothes.

I was inspired to type this after getting my costumes back from a show I closed. 3 days later, I regained consciousness and began Project: Smell Good. Unfortunately some pieces just weren't salvageable. I'm not giving up though. I will make them smell better.

Keep smellin' pretty, yall.

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