Monday, April 7, 2014

"Give me a cool haircut, but not TOO cool"; Me vs. Hipster Guy

Some of you may or may not know this but I am a licensed Master Barber.  My Natural Hair License is on its way as well, if you're at all curious.
12 years in this entertainment bidness and I'm taking a step back.  Am I switching careers?  Absolutely not.  Costume Designing and Wardrobe Styling will always be my passions BUT picking up hours at a shop has helped me keep my sanity.  I am able to turn down work  on projects I don't believe in, support, or really just don't want to work on.  Its a great feeling.  From now on, I don't have to work on garbage! I can choose what I want to contribute to, without wondering if I can afford to pay rent or not.  I can also mix this into my charity work and continue to help those in need--in this case, those who can't afford to groom, but really need to, in order to find a job.
Now that that's out of the way, let me tell you a story so true, you will convince yourself it is false, but reassure yourself its true because its just too stupid to be made up.
This bearded guy sits in my chair.  He's wearing skinny jeans, glasses, and an ironic tshirt.
"Give me a cool haircut, but not TOO cool", he says.  I ask how he usually wears it, and he messily parted to to the side.  " just looks like your fade is grown out.  Want me to give you another one?"
"No way!  All those hipsters have fades.  I'm going to London for a conference and I want to look really different and cutting edge!  How about something really short and tight on the sides and long on top so I can really show off my beard?"
Being me, a Korean, Aquarian, Asshole, I cannot hide my disdain.  "'re a hipster who doesn't want to look like a hipster, but still wants a hipster cut?"  
"touché...but I'm not a hipster.  Sorry i'm a little sweaty.  I just got out of yoga"
I'm cutting his hair and he asks what I'm into and I tell him that I'm a Costume Designer.  I then made this mistake of asking what he did for a living and dude just goes on and on and on about how he's a writer--scuse me..a journalist who lives in Brooklyn Heights and how he has a beautiful view from his window blah blah blah and then he asks me if I'd like to get a lunch drink with him.  I told him I'd given up drinking for lent, to which he asked, "Mmmm have you ever thought of forsaking your faith just this once?  Scotch in cappuccino is a wonderful mixture."
Please picture my face right now.  I will use no words.  I leave it up to you. In fact, please make a doodle and post it as a comment.  I'm still making the original face as I type this.
We're nearing the end of the haircut and dude says "Oh and will you clean my kitchen?"
I took out my straight blade and held it up to his face, "da fuck did you just say to me?!  clean yo kitchen?! mothafucka wtf do i look like to you??"
He laughs and points to his extremely hairy neck.  My blood is still boiling.  I need a second to calm down, "bro, where i come from, we call that a neck.  be careful when asking someone to 'clean your kitchen'"
He steers the conversation back to my career, "so you're a costume designer.  I'm going to a wedding at Burning Man " -eyeroll....- "the theme is Enclave.  what are your thoughts on that? "
"The theme is 'Enclave'?  None.  I have no thoughts."
"Well I was thinking of like a steam punk aviator...."  -omg barf-
"...yeah that sounds amaze balls....maybe you should rewatch The Rocketeer and Wild Wild West"
"OMG that's totally what i'm going for! you really get me!!"
At this point I am shaving his neck, you know to really enhance that beard of his...
"wow.  you're so gentle.  you're not going to cut me right?"
"i'm looking for reasons not to..."
We are finished.  Clearly there were other nuggets in this 45 minute long haircut that I've left out...sorry for that..he was making my head hurt and I've done my best forget him as much as possible.
The best part: "I dunno why you called me a hipster.  I'm a writer!  Hipsters are not bad people.  They make really good coffee and bring so much business to bad neighborhoods.  I like good coffee and I'm pro-gentrification.  So yeah I guess I am a hipster but I'm not a bad person."
My fellow barbers are laughing.  This dude is really proud of himself right now.  I had no witty retort to this.  Its not that I thought he was bad per say...I just thought he was super douchey and loved to hear himself talk.  I told him to have fun at the enclave party and spent the rest of my day saying "I like good coffee and I'm pro-gentrification," while pushing up my invisible glasses on my face and stroking my imaginary beard.